I am a healed W.O.M.A.N

Feb 7, 2025

Today, my heart feels heavy which prompted me to use my spare time at work to confide to my "diary" about it.

The app I used to track my pregnancy journey gave a notification which says I'm already at 37 weeks and would be giving birth anytime soon and that my baby is now as big as a canary melon. I was staring at my phone and the familiar pain pierced my heart once again.

For the past 24 weeks, I was unconsciously pushing my self to go on even on days that something was weighing me down.

If I'll be honest, I struggle at times to feel completely happy for people who are posting their successful pregnancy journey. There are also days I don't want to try to cradle other people's babies because I don't know if my heart would feel heavy and my arms are ready to embrace someone else's when mine didn't make it.

Last month, my timeline was flooded with many write ups about Mikee Morada and Alex Gonzaga's 3rd miscarriage. I didn't want to watch it right away because I was afraid that it might trigger something in me. When I finally did, I whimpered and my heart ached with her.

March 18, 2025

It's been more than a month since I started to write the first part of this blog but I only had the courage to pick up the thread today. While it's true that I'm caught up with so many things at work and in the ministry but a big part is because I don't want to be engrossed in it.

I was contemplating hard what I want to share in this blog and I found the answer on our theme when we launched our Women's group with the tag line Women helping women grow in God's love.

So I am making a decision to not dwell on what broke my heart but on how the Lord can use each piece to encourage and uplift women and ultimately for His name to be lifted high.

Dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility can make a woman feel rollercoaster of emotions; sad, frustrated, isolated and confused. It often also comes with questions like "why me?"or "why did it happen to me?". My hope as you spend time walking with me is to share how I am able to live through it one day at a time.

Wait expectantly.

When you have experienced miscarriage or a monthly period you wish you didn't have, you might hear a whisper to your ear "it's not going to happen, just accept that you won't have what you're desiring for". You may also experience it getting louder and louder until it paralyzes you and you stop hoping.

This verse from Psalm 5:3 helps me silence the lie of the enemy in my ears:

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly."

Like the Psalmist, let's continue to express trust and our desire to be heard by Him because He does hear us.  

Overcome adversity with gratitude.

I have read an excerpt of a book entitled Option B where the authors talked about resiliency or the ability to process negative events by thinking about how bad things are in your life may be now but still seeing and appreciating the things you have at the moment. An example would be saying: "even though I don't have a child yet, at least I am healthy, I have a home, a supportive husband for which I am grateful".

Practicing gratitude, even in difficult times, can shift our focus from what’s wrong to what’s right. This is not pretending that everything is okay but it's still believing that God is good even when things are tough.

Magnify God.

What we focus our eyes on will seem bigger so instead of focusing on the loss and absence, focus on God and His strength by sharing your testimony to those who may need to hear it and see how powerful it is to share how God has been faithfully sustaining you even in pain. Another way to magnify Him is by serving others even though you're in pain as it is a reflection of God's nature when He was suffering on the Cross but was still thinking of you and me.

Sharing my testimony whenever, wherever and serving in the midst of pain have helped me in this journey tremendously.

Allow yourself to grieve whenever, wherever, however.

Don't ever feel guilty of feeling sad, confused and frustrated one day then feeling guilty on some days. Take time to feel without the need to rush through the healing. It also helps being aware of the stage of grief you're in. If you're not familiar with the Five Stages of Grief, here it is. (source: Google)

1.   Shock and Denial:

You might feel numb, disbelieving, or have a sense that "this couldn't have happened to me". 

2. Anger and Guilt:

You might feel angry at yourself, your partner, or a higher power, or experience guilt about potentially causing the miscarriage.

3. Bargaining:

You might try to find ways to "fix" the situation or think about what you could have done differently. 

4. Depression and Despair:

You may feel sad, tearful, and have difficulty sleeping or eating, with a sense of hopelessness. 

5. Acceptance:

You eventually come to terms with the loss, not necessarily forgetting it, but finding a way to live with it. 

Know that there’s no "right" way and timeline to grieve or heal. Every woman’s journey through loss is different so we need to be kind to ourselves to allow the painful part of us to mend on its own pace.

Nourish yourself.

I will repeat, healing from miscarriage or any painful loss is not easy. In fact, it may be a hard, long and confusing journey. We have to care for our own being in any way we can, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It may mean seeking a support group who will listen and will lend you their faith when you're losing yours, spending time alone walking in nature or any place you feel comfortable to be in or simply resting and listening to your favorite worship song. Whatever that may be, just breathe and patiently wait for you get back on your two feet-no matter how long it takes.

So this Women's month, I want to declare that my miscarriage is just a phase that I will overcome as I choose to be a woman who:

Wait expectantly.

Overcome adversity with gratitude.

Magnify God.

Allow yourself to grieve whenever, wherever.

Nourish yourself.

Yesterday, I finally had the courage to add these pictures on our "answered prayers" album and once again, my eyes moistened and I realized, the pain never really goes away, it will always be a part of me. Nevertheless, I am still convinced that my God doesn't withhold beautiful things to His children if He sees, they need it, instead, He allows us to wait so we can learn to submit to His will, should He decide to not give it yet.

The pain is strong some days but I have to cling to God stronger. The heaviness crushes my heart but I won't let it touch my soul because no matter what, I will still trust the lover of my soul.

If you're reading this and your heart also feels heavy, just cling to God because He sees you, He hears your cry and He holds you through every tear because the Bible says in Psalm 34:18, He is closed to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Say this with me, I am a healed W.O.M.A.N.

#womansmonth