Coping with loss and grief

It’s 6:30AM, I was taking a bath and I started feeling the familiar pain I have been feeling every now and then. I looked for what triggered it and I realized it’s because my menstrual period is back and it's been almost 2 months since the big lump of blood, the signal that it was really over, flowed out of me.

The cold water from the shower was running down my body, but warm tears also rushed down my cheeks.

People see me smile, in my usual busy self; tending, caring, serving. Everyone is praising me for being able to stand up quickly after a great fall. My answer, "it’s God’s grace and His alone."

But now, in my attempt to be true to myself and confront my real emotions, even though I’m struggling to put this into writing, I am not yet fully okay.

I realized that a part of me was hiding behind busyness so I won’t have time to feel the pain. Although I am used to pushing myself to accomplish things even before, it dawned on me that after the incident, I have been pushing myself, my knees that tremble when I stand long to the limit to prove myself I am strong. I often say "the only good thing about what happened is that I can now eat my junk food from the Philippines" but I have to admit that I was tempted to stop eating healthy again because in my mind, it didn’t help to keep the baby at all and worst, I don’t know if I’d be willing to go through the pregnancy journey once more, thinking that it might end the same way again.

For years, no matter how busy I'd be, even during vacations, I have been consistently writing my journal every single day. Until it happened.

I stopped doing it for days, not because I was busy but because I struggled to see the pages where I poured out my hope and faith believing that God would say "yes" to my prayers but He didn't.

I tried to nudge the urge to go back but something in me wasn't happy and so one day, I just felt it's time to sit with Jesus about what I really feel.

I was confused, disappointed, dissatisfied. I had questions and I needed answers.

I got my pen and my notebook and just wrote about what I feel. I went back to journaling even if I was wrestling with my pain. Some days I'd jot down verses that can lift up my downcast spirit, some days I'd just write Him letters or list of things I'm grateful for to remind myself that God is still good after all.

Sitting with Jesus, allowed me to hear Him again, getting revelation as I poured out my heart and hurts to Him and receiving comfort and slowly, getting peace that surpasses my understanding.

“I cry out to the Lord with my voice; With my voice to the Lord I make my supplication. I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare before Him my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path. In the way in which I walk They have secretly set a snare for me.”

-Psalms‬ ‭142‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

When I published the blog about my miscarriage, I was half hearted because weird as it is, I feel awkward being comforted by people for I am used to being in the opposite side of the table as the "ate Cindy", "sensei" and discipler who has the right words to say to comfort almost everyone who are seeking solace from lemons thrown at them. This time, the "comforter" is the one being comforted.

When people learned about it, prayers and words of comfort flooded us from family, loving friends and even from CCF Pastors and their wives. It was perplexing at first but when I allowed God to comfort me through His people, it made all the difference.

God even used my 9 year-old niece, Kailee to remind me that He loves me more than her who was so sad even if she couldn't fully grasp what was happening and I realized that if she was hurting for me, what more is my loving Father who died for me?

He loves me and He cares for me no matter how blurry it seems because of my current reality.

When I comfort a person who's going through something, Romans 8:28 would always show up:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

I believe that one of the hardest ordeals to trusting God in the midst of our pain and suffering is that we don’t have an explanation for why things are happening that's opposite from what we want. We may believe that God will use the pain for good, but the good is far out of sight.

This is where all the things about my faith was tested. My Bible says that my God does not waste any of our tears and pain and that He plans to use it for good. However, my mind was struggling to answer the question "what is good about having to miscarry a miracle that I was supposed to use for His glory?" It doesn't make sense but deep down, my heart was telling me to trust God's love and infinite wisdom.

Days after my miscarriage, the Lord impressed upon my heart to share about what happened to us at Church. At first I was hesitant but He confirmed that He wanted me to do it when the preaching topic for that week was entitled Worship Sets You Free which was about causing unbelievers to know God as they see how we, believers respond in worship despite of trials in life.

Testimony link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HTtCuC9sByDNj_KzUAka2tOmn8-qsAQ0/view?usp=drivesdk

PPT Link:

https://www.canva.com/design/DAGMyVzybx4/8wlk2yqreI9bXJxcqaC6hA/edit?utm_content=DAGMyVzybx4&utm_campaign=designshare&utm_medium=link2&utm_source=sharebutton

On August 4th, with my weak and trembling legs, I stood up and joyfully made use of my ugly scar as an opportunity to give glory to Jesus.

Even days after, I still keep on receiving feedbacks that my story has touched and encouraged them to keep going and trusting God's heart even if they can't see His hands during trying times.

I gave Him my weakness, He gets the glory and He gave me His strength.

Slowly, even though I still have episodes of crying when I remember about our baby Sam, I can say that God's love has been carrying me to be in a much better state. Indeed, during trials, we can feel lonely but we're never going to be alone, we may feel helpless but we are not hopeless with God on our side.

To you who's also in a dark pit and you desire to get out, I urge you to:

S-it with Jesus with your real emotion.

A-llow godly people to comfort you.

M-ake use of the opportunity to still give glory to Jesus.

It's not going to be easy but I believe that there's blessing in the pressing. So keep pressing even though it seems that nothing is happening. God will get you out of the dark because He, Himself is the light.

God’s grace is able to carry His children above all conditions.

"Thank you" is an understatement of what I really want to say to all the people who reached out to comfort us and to be with us in this season of our life. I pray that all of us will grow closer to God and be able to say what Job said in chapter 42:5, “I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; but now my eye sees You.” May our faith grow stronger like how this trial helped ours where I came to realize that:

"Only the eye of faith will see the hand of God in the valleys of life."