We are pregnant, until…

"I am 90% sure that it will not develop and you have a miscarriage."- This was the exact word (in Japanese) the doctor said during my 3rd check up with them. I was hearing him but I wasn't listening because my heart already decided to hold on to the remaining 10.

After years of trying to conceive, at around 4:25AM on June 26th, two red lines stunned me. I couldn't believe it because it was the last thing I'd imagine to happen after our 3 weeks vacation in Singapore and in the Philippines.

I couldn't believe it so I took 2 more tests to be sure and each time, two lines would show up. Those lines brought excitement, amazement, fear, uncertainty, hope, faith and other emotions all rushing at the same time.

We didn't plan it, we didn't expect it but God did.

My husband scheduled me for a check up at a Ladies' clinic near our house but the earliest available date would be on June 29th. Came that day, the doctor conducted Transvaginal Ultrasound and for the first time, I saw a gestational sac while he was saying "you are pregnant, it's a normal pregnancy but maybe it's too early so we can't see the embryo yet so let's wait for 2 weeks."

Days later, I noticed I have brownish discharge with occasional abdominal pain which they say is normal. But since everything is new to me, I was so concerned so I decided to have it checked on July 2nd to which the doctor still said he couldn't see an embryo. I was also given medicines for a week to help me carry the baby more safely.

July 13th, on our way to the clinic, I was already feeling a bit nervous and so we prayed before heading.

We did the usual procedure of checking weight, blood pressure etc. After minutes of waiting, the doctor checked me through TransV Ultrasound and while he was doing it, I kind of felt that something was amiss because the doctor did not say a word unlike the first time.

He called my husband back to the consultation room and upon sitting, he dropped a bomb I refused to believe; "It's already 8 weeks and there's no embryo, I can only see gestational sac so it means, you have a missed abortion. The nurse will explain to you your options if you want to wait for it to naturally happen, you want to drink medicine to eliminate it or you want to undergo an operation".

I was there sitting but my mind was already somewhere.

The nurse called us and explained the procedure but something is telling me I should say something so I asked, "can I wait for another week?"

She looked at me and I could sense her disbelief that even if she didn't say "no", I know she disagreed with me. Even though she was hesitant because she wanted to do it sooner, she scheduled me to be admitted on July 19th for an operation the next day.

"Lord, is this some kind of a joke or something?"- that was what I uttered upon letting the tears I was holding so bad at the clinic fall down my cheeks as I poured out my heart at home. I wasn't emotionally ready for this because I know I have fallen in love with my child the moment I saw those two lines 2 weeks ago.

I cried a liter, I asked questions without getting answers but then I found solace and peace the moment I decided to worship.. I opened my Bible and God, in His comforter nature, lead me back to 1 Samuel 1 and just kept lingering in my heart "have peace, I am in control".

Hannah in verse 19 after crying her heart out, decided to worship once more. With that in mind, even when my heart was wanting to sulk in pain and my husband also wanted to just rest his tired heart, we decided to show up and care for His people at Church the next day.

That same day, I have understood the meaning of true worship and true commitment in serving God. When we got home, Romel and I talked and we both agreed that no matter what God decides to do, with or without a child, we will not stop serving Him because He deserves it.

I slept that night, hopeful but surrendered.

My sister who also refused to give up hope, offered to go with me should we decide to get a second opinion.

On July 17th, we went to my original clinic which is a bit far from our house.

"Maybe you're not yet 8 weeks and you probably ovulated late so you might be on your 5th or 6th week so let's check again after 2 weeks". -the doctor said in a very hopeful voice which comforted me and made my heart smile. She also decided for me to have an orientation with the nurse to inform me about the changes that would happen during the pregnancy and the dos and don'ts.

I went home praising God for the hope He has given me.

Every night, my husband would "talk" to our baby and whisper "I speak life, I speak heartbeat! You are loved, you are wonderful, you are Godly and so on".

Then came the 19th, the nurse insisted that we go to the clinic even if we already cancelled the operation. Though hesitant, we obliged. We went there and that's where the doctor said his 90%.

In my mind while he was discussing about my suspected miscarriage, I was thinking, “If my God can raise a dead person back to life, He can surely breathe life to my empty sac in a snap and so I'm not gonna give up my 10%, even if it's just 1%”.

I am determined to hold on to what I know is true.. HE IS THE GIVER AND THE AUTHOR OF LIFE. I will fight until He says it’s time to let go.

Four days before my supposed check up, I was confronted with signs that may mean it’s time to let go. I started having cramping, backpain and bleeding.

On July 29th, when I was supposed to cook something special for our 4th wedding anniversary like I always do, we were asked to go to the clinic. As if my heart already knew, when I saw on screen that I still have an empty gestational sac, I know it’s time to let go of my 10%.

The doctor confirmed that there was no development even after 2 weeks and that I have missed abortion, hence, my cramping and bleeding. We decided to just wait for my body to naturally do it.

Last night, my body fully recognized that the pregnancy isn’t viable so it excreted the lump of blood. It is really over.

I guess no one can really prepare anyone to lose someone especially for a mother to lose a child; even if it’s yet to be born.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s painful and I don’t know how to answer the question “how are you?” but one thing I know, God has His reasons and in time, if He chooses to, He will uncover it to us.

Thank you to the best husband and “daddy” for staying strong for us and for taking care of me since day 1.

Thank you my family and friends and to everyone who’s been checking and praying with and for us.

This chapter may have ended the way we didn’t hope it to but in God, everyday is a brand new day. So to you who’s losing hope, hang on, God sees you. God sees us.

Fly high my unborn baby love, know that mommy and daddy fought for you until the end because you have captivated our hearts the moment we learned that we are pregnant… until we’re not. :(

We love you but God loves you more, we want to hug you in our arms but for now, you are safer in our Father’s loving arms.

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

Job 1:21