Two pink lines and lingering pain

This morning, the sky opened up and wept. The same way I suddenly felt a lump on my throat as I stopped myself from crying inside the Teachers' room.

June 25, 2024. The day I found out I was pregnant with these two beautiful lines.

Today, my heart aches and thoughts of "what could have been" are flooding me.

Miscarriage is a really devastating thing because a mother and a father not just lost a baby but also lost a future of what they had started imagining to happen the moment they learned that it is happening, until it's not.

In a loss of any loved ones, the firsts are always the hardest.

When my brother died of motorcycle accident 16 years ago, our first Christmas, first New Year and his first birthday without him were the saddest and the most depressing moments we've had as a family.

"This is the first time I feel I hate Father's day" -these were the exact words my husband uttered when we arrived home from Church where we celebrated Father's Day almost 2 weeks ago.

It broke my heart to pieces because I didn't know that our miscarriage would take a toll on him this much. I silently prayed for him and fervently asked God to either answer this prayer or just let him live with it and accept things as they are.

"I cried in the backyard on Monday when I arrived home from driving you to school because I miss our baby more these days than ever."- he told me while we were having dinner which once again, torn my heart apart.

(We were able to bury a small lump of blood that flowed out of me in our backyard)

I realized it is this hard for him because it would have been his first Father's Day with our baby either on his arms or on a baby cart if only it didn't happen the way it did.

The echo of his laughter and cry when I broke the news of my pregnancy then and the familiar pain of grief upon knowing that it was over intersect today.

But we will choose to worship and we will choose to surrender.

Instead of sulking in pain and focus on the "what could have been", I spent this day by:

• Journaling. I asked God to give me a comforting verse and He generously gave me one as I journal what I really feel.

  
  

  

  
  

• Visiting our baby in the backyard. When I arrived home from work, the first thing I did was to go there and uttered a silent prayer.

• Crying my heart out. While pouring my heart into this writing, me and my husband freely allowed ourselves to feel the pain of losing and still loving someone we haven't met which made us realize that there is such thing as love even before first sight.

  
  

• Praying. Talking to Someone you know loves you so much can shift our focus from overwhelming emotions to a sense of unexplainable peace.

  
  
  
  

Be it a normal day or a hard day, I will always choose to trust the love of God because it is deep and true.

Today and all the days to come, I know I will always find myself with the love that only belongs to You, our unborn child.

To my husband, like what I wrote on my note when I gave you a Father's Day gift, I know you would and you will be the best Daddy to our baby/babies.

To all the mothers and fathers of children in their hearts and in their hopes and not in their arms, you are not alone and you are not forgotten by our loving Father in heaven.

The love you have for your unborn babies is not lost, it will become a special part of you.

And to you who have lost a loved ones or lost a dream, I am here if you need someone to talk to, I am praying for peace and healing for you; but not a swift kind but healing that happens one day at a time.